Operation: FILCH REMOVAL
by So Lost. In Thought
Summary: As Harry and Ron embark on their 6th year, they decide to rid themselves of a constant torment that just recently started black mailing them: Filch.
1. Welcome to Hogwarts

(((((Hey people nice enough to read this! Lol. This is my first fan fiction, so if it's bad I apologize but PLEASE DON'T SUE ME! Lol. Anyway... yeah. "Characters not mine, yadd yadda yadda" Have fun!)))))  
  
((Ron))  
  
There is no way I am boarding that train again, no bloody way! I've been trying to explain this to Harry for the past half hour but the git told me it was 'Just Luna!" JUST LUNA?! Since when has that girl ever been 'just' anything? Honestly though- I'm surprised he wants to board it- Luna's sitting in OUR compartment (I know because Hermione's next to her) DRESSED UP LIKE ME! She's wearing a wig, I think, and painted her face to- I DO NOT HAVE THAT MANY FRECKLES!  
  
((Harry))  
  
I'll never catch the train if Ron doesn't get on soon. He's waving his arms around like a mad man, and refusing to get on. I can excuse his fear of spiders, but a fear of 15 year old girls?  
  
I knew I shouldn't have laughed when I saw Luna, but she looks SO much like Ron, but more hygienic. Anyway, Ron asked me what I was laughing at, and I tried to tell him nothing, but he saw. It's really not my fault; I tried to shield him but now we're going to be late to Hogwarts. AGAIN.  
  
And anyways, she looks better in his robes than he does.  
  
"Ron? PLEASE. You don't want to be expelled do you?  
  
((Ron))  
  
Harry's asking me if I want to be expelled. OF COURSE NOT YOU THICK CLOD! If that's what I wanted I would've have done it in a much more valuable manner, like tying Mrs. Norris to Snape's doorknob. Or beating Malfoy to pulp.  
  
I guess I'll have to tell Harry this: "OF COURSE NOT, IF I DID MALFOY WOULD BE DEAD RIGHT- mmphmmph!"  
  
"What did you say? You're turning red- what now? Is she waving again?"  
  
She was, but that wasn't anymore embarrassing than usual. A cold sneer had wafted to my ears....  
  
"What's that, Weasel?"  
  
I think I might get on the train now. Harry's giving me amused but sympathetic looks- but I'll deal with HIM later. Right now my mission is to get on the Hogwarts Express. For Malfoy's sake, see. I could take him, everyone knows I could take him, I'm like Mohammed Ali. But pit me against Malfoy, it's like a butterfly against a Mike Tyson. I'm Mike of course. And it wouldn't be very Gryffindor-like of me to do that on the platform where everyone could see him. The parents, his posse- and Luna. That is why I'm getting on the train; fighting Malfoy just isn't fair. And of course, what if Luna cheered?  
  
((Harry))  
  
I'm sitting next to a lobster.  
  
It's got red hair, red freckles... and an incredibly red face. I guess I can understand why he's embarrassed but- god I don't even know if it's him! It could be Luna! Hahahaha!  
  
"Harry, that's the fourth time tonight you've sprayed your pumpkin juice all over my plate," said Hermione, annoyed.  
  
"Sorry," I told her, "But I was just thinking about this morning and Ron and then I thought- wait? What if it's Luna?" But I never got that far- I sent a fifth pumpkin juice shower at her plate when I reached 'this morning'.  
To my surprise, Hermione couldn't quite suppress a giggle with me. There is something about her tonight, I don't know what. Her hair is- well, bushy. Same as always- but her eyes- still... brown. The only difference is her book- Famous Witches of the 16th Century. I don't know what it is, really...  
  
Ron's furious, and he's turned into a lobster again. But he was redder, this morning, on the train, when Luna greeted him, saying "Hello Ron!" and responding to his inaudible "Hi. Luna." with, "Luna? Can't you tell I'm Ron?"  
  
I personally thought it was hilarious. I guess Ron just wasn't interested in her 'experiment'. Ron asked her if it was that kind of experiment, if she was going to move into the boy's dormitory soon, but she didn't seem insulted- she just gawked at him, asking what was wrong with the girl's dorms, other than the Brindle-Gibble infestation. She tried to explain to him what they were- but Malfoy walked by and Ron fainted.  
  
((Ron))  
  
That's it. I'm leaving. Forever. I'll join Bill or Charlie or even Fred and George, but I'm not showing my face in Hogwarts again.  
  
Pity. Hermione will miss me.  
  
Harry hasn't stopped laughing the entire night! I don't know why. Sure, Luna looked weird, but not that weird. Maybe he's laughing because I fell asleep in the compartment. A lot of people claim to have borne witness and say I fainted, but they're wrong. I didn't faint. Ok maybe. But I wish Harry would shut up.  
  
"Ron?"  
  
I'm going to ignore him. We'll see if he's still laughing when I go to Romania. Ha, laugh now, scar-boy!  
  
"Ron?" he's calling more urgently this time. I look up a bit- just to study the painting, of course, and realize we are stopped at the portrait of the Fat Lady. I can't remember the password- something like "Whibbsy Wobbles" or the like. I guess I'll have to ask Harry. But I swear I will never say another word to him after this.  
  
"Well, don't you know the password?!"  
  
No response.  
  
Uh-oh.  
  
And as if it's not bad enough to be stuck out of our Common room, it happens to be 5 minutes past the time we are allowed to wander the halls. I wish Hermione was with us. She'd certainly remember, unlike the Mad Hatter here, who's laughing again. But she went up early, after Harry made another stupid reference to my earlier nap on the train. She got up quickly and excused herself. I would say she was fighting not to laugh, but Hermione wouldn't do that, she fancies me too much.  
  
"What's this, my sweet? Two little goblins wandering the halls at night? Well, they'll pay for it, oh yes, wont they, my sweet?"  
  
5 YEARS OF HEROIC RULE BREAKING AND WE GE CAUGHT FOR 'WANDERING" WHEN WE'RE LOCKED OUT OF OUR OWN COMMON ROOM?  
  
"Oh, dear, Dumbledore will not like this very much... poor Potter has got just enough infractions that this-"Filch faked a melancholy sniff. "Will just send him away from Hogwarts!"  
  
((Harry))  
  
I cannot believe this.  
  
Fred and George got sent to Filch for eons and they never were expelled!  
  
"But- why weren't Fred and George expelled?!" I ask.  
  
"New rule, yes, sent by the ministry. One more smudge on that record for you, Potter, or a teensy-bit more for you, Weasely, and you're out- though perhaps you can be Assistant Groundskeeper."  
  
Out of Hogwarts?! Initially this bothered me but now he's insulting Hagrid.  
  
"FINE!" I spit at him, "it's a much more honorable job than your practice!"  
  
To my surprise he's keeping his cool.  
  
"Best abandon the tone, Potter. There are- certain allowances I might make..."  
  
Blackmail. We are getting blackmailed by FILCH, the SQUIB. It would be almost as funny as Ron's day if it wasn't at my expense.  
  
((Ron))  
  
Argus Filch is the owner of the most putrid feet I have ever seen. And I have to massage them.  
  
I shouldn't even be here. It's Harry that's in trouble. And I'm very angry at him and will never speak to him again- starting tomorrow. Really, I'm only doing this because Hermione told me it was the Right Thing To Do. I tried to tell her that maybe it was the Right Thing For Her To Do, but she just rolled her eyes and said she had Arithmancy. She took up a lot more classes this year, and without the time turner we hardly ever see her.  
  
So here I am massaging Filch's smelly feet, while he sits back in a blue bathrobe revealing much of his spaghetti-thin legs, and tells us about what he would do to misbehaving children if he made the rules. He's mental. And I'm pretty sure most of them are illegal, though possibly not the squirrel one...  
  
"Well, I suppose that's it for today." He says this menacingly, but even he knows we can't wander the halls too late, "But you'll be back tomorrow."  
  
Harry looks like he is going to explode, but we can't say anything. He makes me pet Mrs. Norris before I leave. Who knows how many nights I'll have peace now? No Hermione to see in Filch's, she's probably heartsick from missing me. I hate him. Argus Filch is GOING DOWN!  
  
((Harry))  
  
"Harry, we've got to stop Filch- we'll frame him, whatever, anything, but we've GOT to get rid of him before this has gone to far!" Ron is looking at me pleadingly. But I can't run the risk of this, one falter and I'm out. Forever.  
  
"It'll be okay Ron. Granted he's like a homeless shelter is on a rainy day, but we can't risk anything!"  
  
I can almost forget about yesterday when I'm flying- Quidditch practice doesn't officially start till tomorrow but Ron wanted me to help him a bit- he's awfully nervous. But the sight of Filch's knobbly balding lice- infested (I'm sure) head that I stared at for hours yesterday while I gave him a shoulder massage- doesn't disappear so quickly.  
  
Katie Bell is calling me- she looks ecstatic.  
  
"Harry! Ron! Guess what? I'm the new captain! Practice tomorrow! Don't miss it, it is one of the most important of the year, okay?"  
  
"But Katie!" I'm yelling back. I'm about to tell her about Filch when I remember I can't tell anyone, "We- can't go. We have something important we can't miss. We're really sorry!"  
  
"SORRY? HARRY JAMES POTTER, JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE SOOOOO GOOD AT THIS DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN SKIP PRACTICE! IF YOU DON'T COME TOMORROW, YOU'RE OFF THE TEAM! AND THAT'S FINAL!"  
  
I hate Filch. Ron's right. He is going to SUFFER! 


	2. The Army Forms

((Ron))  
  
My back hurts. My head hurts. My arms hurt. My whole body hurts! I hate these bloody boarding school mattresses. I'm going to go sit in the common room. I can't possibly sleep like this.  
  
((Harry))  
  
Geeze, it's late! I wonder what woke me up- I think it was the door. What if? Oh never mind or I'll become as paranoid as Madeye. I'll just calmly get up, and lock the door. Nothing to fear.  
  
((Ron))  
  
This fire sure is interesting. I've been watching it for the last century. AND IT NEVER SEEMS TO CHANGE! Muggles are always stumbling about, poetically, saying how beautiful fire is- stupid gits. Sure, it changes shape. But it's orange. Orange is great, but honestly, if I were fire I might change to a sparkly purple or sing a bit, orange gets pretty boring after half an hour. I think I'll go change it. Fred taught me a spell once...  
  
I'm flicking my wand and nothing's happening... maybe I need to move closer.. or..... maybe I'm saying the spell backwards- OH! BACKWARDS! That's the ticket; I'll say the spell with my back to the fire!  
  
"OWWWWWWWWWW! MY BUM IS ON FIRE!" I've never experienced this before but I KNOW, MY BUM IS ON FIRE!  
  
((Harry))  
  
Ron sure isn't in a good mood today. He keeps glaring at me for locking the door last night... how was I supposed to know he got up and decided to light his bum on fire?  
  
That's another thing, he keeps complaining about not being able to sit. I told him that this was okay, he wasn't wearing his pajamas, his bum was covered! But his eyes got all squinty and he mumbled something about Hermione and a hole in his seat.  
  
((Ron))  
  
I am never speaking to that sniveling excuse for a wizard AGAIN. Starting tomorrow.  
  
I have double potions with the Slytherins, I can't sit down, I burned a hole in a rather uncomfortable place in my favorite pajamas, I mortified myself in front of Hermione, AND THAT IDIOT CAN'T STOP LAUGHING!  
  
"Hey Ron? You know what you were saying... about Filch? I've been thinking... maybe you're right."  
  
Scarhead is speaking. Now normally I would refuse to respond. But, c'mon, this involves FILCH. And if I must suffer through another unsanitary foot massaging session, I think I'll become one of those odd people who can't stand feet. I met a wizard like that once, when I was with dad at the Ministry. He kept flinching whenever feet came near him, muttering about 'nasty vile toes, yellow toenails, going to touch me!' once a tall man with a maroon tie got on the elevator and, unaware of the Foot Problem, stepped near him. He started shrieking, 'warty foot warty foot!' over and over. Then he pulled the emergency handle. At the time I thought it was a bit amusing but mostly bizarre.  
  
Now I know it was Filch's old manicurist.  
  
"Of course I'm right Harry. Am I ever wrong?" I thought it was a witty comment. But for some reason Harry just opened his mouth and closed it- I think it had something to do with Hermione stepping on his foot.  
  
"So what're we going to do?" he finally uttered. Hmmmm. I've got to consider this. I looked around the room for inspiration. But all I saw were tens of cauldrons brewing a vile smelling Mucus Membrane potion. I grinned at the potions. Then I grinned at Harry. He slowly grinned back, eyeing the potion with renewed effort. Then just for the heck of it I grinned at Hermione. She just looked puzzled. I love it when girls play hard to get, poor girl doesn't realize I see right through her charade.  
  
((Harry))  
  
I can't stand Trelawny's class- but thinking of the trap we're laying out for Filch, it's worth it.  
  
The only problem is this: How're we going to smuggle the Mucus Membrane potion out of Snape's office and end up levitating it in the corridor in front of Filch's office from behind the tapestry- without getting caught?  
  
We're going to need a distraction...  
  
Although, perhaps this plan isn't as exciting as I thought... the room is so warm... and perfume-y...  
  
((Ron))  
  
Great, the old bat is telling me my prediction that she will soon be diagnosed with a serious disorder of the mind is incorrect. BUT I LOOKED IN THE BOOK! That's what it says! She took my tarot deck an d is now explaining how Harry is going to die. Funny, he looks kinda dead right now. His heads down, he's not moving, he's...  
  
Sleeping.  
  
((Harry))  
  
That was a BIG mistake. I thought when Ron distracted Filch by bawling and asking for a potion for his burned rear- mumbling some excuse about not wanting to go to the hospital wing- that perhaps we shouldn't try it. But later, Ron reminded me about Quidditch, and Filch's apparent soap- phobia, and how he merely had to ask Snape for a bum cream.  
  
Well, we did pretty well with the plan, that wasn't the problem. The problem was this:  
  
Filch is a squib. Filch could not magically clean himself and would not take a bath (this of course has always been obvious.) Filch was blackmailing two teenage boys. He made them clean it off. The two boys were Ron and I.  
  
Mucus Membrane potion is putrid. It was apparently used for Ancient Witches and Wizards crossing the Sahara to keep them moist. Ron and I thought this was pretty stupid, couldn't they just fly? But Hermione shot us a testy glance and threw her book in our face raging about how brooms didn't come to the part of the world for another 250 years. And now my hands could travel the Sahara 50 times, they've got so much MM potion on them. The only way to get it off is by magic, but neither Ron nor I could grab our wands, our hands were too slimy.  
  
((Ron))  
  
Too bad Hermione's already gone to bed, There's no one around but Neville to get this gunk off our hands.  
  
Hermione was flirting with me today, I'm sure. She put her book in Harry's face for some odd reason (I wasn't listening, I never pay attention to anything in Snape's class) and I'm sure she was doing it so we could get some privacy. But Harry was laughing- something about brooms, of course- and Hermione just blushed terribly and slid farther in her seat. Is she really so desperately in love with me that she can't even speak?  
  
Oh, here comes Neville. Hope he can remove this gunk. But honestly, I'm rather afraid he'll turn my hands into... rats! Or maybe just pincushions. Thank goodness! Ginny is with him.  
  
"Ginny!" Hello? She's ignoring me! What's so interesting about talking to Neville anyway? He so thick and he's always coming in with some new sort of magical ailment... how could anyone stand some one so thick? If I had a friend like that I'd-  
  
((Harry))  
  
Ron can be so thick sometimes. He's standing two feet from Neville and Ginny, who's making Neville promise not to tell Ron about Malfoy. I wonder what he's not supposed to tell about him?  
  
But really, I have no time to ponder that. I need this membrane off- and I need to talk to Ron about Operation Filch Removal- and how it's not working.  
  
"Ginny?!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Would you mine removing thi-"  
  
"My god, what did you guys get your hads into this time- is that Snape's hairgel on your hands?!"  
  
I am allowing myself a moment to shudder.  
  
"No, it's Mucus Membrane potion, see, Filch won't let me go to Quidditch Practices, so I'll get kicked off the team, so Ron and I decided to –err- punish Filch, but it backfired because he made us-"  
  
Omigod. I wasn't supposed to tell them this! If Filch finds out... !!!  
  
"WHAT!? That dirty, rotten, pitiful excuse for a wizard!"  
  
"Actually, he's a squib."  
  
"Thanks Ron. So much to do with the point! Now what were you saying Harry? So FILCH is the reason Gryffindor isn't getting the Quidditch Cup this year? Hah! I'm not going to stand by and let this happen. I'll join you, and I'm sure Hermione will too, once we tell her. Same with the rest of the DA. And you will, of course, Neville?"  
  
((Ron))  
  
AHH! Harry just snitched on filch! He'll get expelled now.  
  
OWWW! THAT IDIOT NEVILLE JUST TRIPPED WHILE STANDING UP AND TRIED TO SAVE HIMSELF BY GRABBING MY SORE BUM! OWWWW! 


End file.
